The first time I tried to kill myself was back in 2018. I had overdosed on opioid painkillers; 500mg aspirin + 120mg codeine. I think I took 38 pills? Roughly about 3 packs of the stuff. My stomach hurt a lot. It didn't take a while for me to get dizzy and numb. My parents were coming back that day so they picked me up as I was nearly puking and drove me to the ER.

It's 1998. My father started his first business by being a B2B reseller; initially for a hardware store, which focused on MACs. His contractor wanted to expand their inventory beyond just peripherals and PCs. Furniture and other adjacent paperwork materials would be given to my dad, all pre-paid with the store's furniture bought. In turn, they would take a ~30% cut of all income. Or more? I don't remember, it doesn't fucking matter though.

My mother had met my dad a year ago and they were living near where I'd eventually be born. I wasn't really supposed to have come at the time, the pregnancy was sudden and they did not want to terminate. It was amid some serious financial struggles.

My mother tanked my father's business while she was pregnant with me. Literally signing away their entire fucking inventory, all because her friends convinced her through a magic ball session that they were being ripped off... It shouldn't have been possible, but she shouted loud enough at my dad for him to get convinced to pass the business onto her name.

My mother stormed to the contractor's office, and demanded she buy all the furniture(keep in mind, he did own them but they were given to my dad through some legal measures). To which the guy agreed and offered a cheque of 40k euros. I don't exactly know the details but she agreed to it, and they didn't have them. Consequently, they drew out a massive fat fucking loan they haven't paid off till this day.

And then, in 2004, I was born. My father was broke, with a failed business. My mother was deep in debt, and she insisted that my father would live with her and my grandmother. What is also equally horrible, is that my grandma had never really paid her rent and the apartment didn't have running water. Ocassionally, cockroaches would come out from the broken tiles in the bathroom, and no one would do anything for it. They didn't give a shit.

None of them knew how to manage shit. My father would always leave home because my mother would kick him out, he would stay in the weekends. Sometimes going for other mediocre jobs while simultaneously attempting to remedy this whole thing. He was trying to switch from finance to web development. Back then flash and fucking ActionScript were the new cool thing (ugh, he still has some of the books since then). While my dad did try to stay in touch with me, had to go through 3 public prosecutors just to see me. My grandma wouldn't let me see him.

I remember hearing them shout at each other up until I turned ~5. It was okay: I had a PS2 to draw my attention after all. I was sent to a cram school around that age, presumably to start learning English which is the norm in my country. There would be times where I'd have to skip and go to my aunt's place. I have four aunts actually, and only one has been nice (fortunately, I hope she's doing well!). They smoke a lot though and they're dirt poor so I was in a moldy basement whenever I'd be with them.

I had little to eat at times so I'd gobble up everything I could when we were at my relatives and such. Back home, there was no running water so there would be days I couldn't brush my teeth. Sometimes, there would be no electricity either so whatever candles and antique kerosene lamps we had would work as a night light.

I made my first friend in that neighbourhood, unfortunately I'd be bullied in elementary school. It was a delapidated public school and occasionally dealers would be by the bars. Around the same month I believe, a classmate of mine really wanted to piss me off so he tried to twist my adam's apple while we were in class. I somehow broke off and he kicked a basketball ball straight to my face (we had PE but had to stay inside due to the fact it was raining). He broke my nose that day. It's still sort of messed up, I have occasional nose bleeds.

Then we had to move to the countryside, I lost all of my friends. I had to start anew, I didn't know anyone so for the next years I was mostly alone. I was diagnosed around twelve with Hashimoto's, it was pretty bad. I remember losing my eyebrows sometimes cause my hair would be broken and brittle, my eyesight had deteriorated badly too. My family has hereditary myopia. I'm... also pale with dark hair, nothing interesting but I burn quickly. It made me extremely insecure.

I wouldn't talk to others cause I felt lesser, which to some extent I still do today. I would just avoid interactions. I would sit by myself to the point teachers would usually approach me to try and make me feel better. After a certain while, they'd leave too. So I'd just be alone.

Gaming was(and still is) a huge distraction. My family constantly going through shit. They'd accuse each other all the time. About who's fault is it that they lost everything. I'd just be playing Minecraft, I remember I had begged my dad in 2013 for him to purchase the game. I saw my cousin playing b1.7.3 and was immediately hooked.

In middle school and highschool (they were opposite to each other in my town)... everything was a blur. I had no friends, I was bullied horribly still. I made one friend and we're still friends honestly. It all just fucking sucks ever since I was born, and I can't blame anyone but my luck. I failed my uni entrance examinations because I was depressed, I tried again at 19. Nope, failed again.

The next 2 years were spent on jobs I don't remember, on asshole coworkers whose faces I don't remember, on days I can't remember. It all... just passed by. So far, it's all been empty. Not a single girlfriend, not a single new friend. I'm still a fucking kissless virgin. I want to die. I want to reset; start again.

I suppose the previous text might've alluded to this before, but, I am terrified. Fearful. Honestly I am, I feel like the walls are closing in with every passing minute. I cannot accept that so much time has passed, during which I've done absolutely nothing. I am decaying away with nothing to show for it. Regarding death and decay, yesterday I had a conversation with someone(and keep in mind they're very religious) .My strong worldview is that it's all bullshit.

There is nothing metaphysical, nothing special, or enlightened above matter. Matter is simply all there is to it, and hence any conception of a "God" does not apply. No such oxymoronic thing can exist. Decades — No, centuries of physical expirementation has gotten us nowhere to the nature of such a thing (if it so exists). It stands to reason that even thinking about it is a waste of time. We ought to invest our time in better... arguably real things.

But do you know what the elephant in the room is here? Lies. No perhaps the one and most substantial Lie: THE most dangerous of them all, is the "holy", the sanctified and the privileged. That Lie—the Lie that everyone believes to be the model truth—has moulded the minds of many into empty basins unto which hundreds of politicians, perhaps thousands of so-called "spiritual" leaders (yet another term for politician) in history, have dumped their pessimistic and perverse ideologies. To such a degree in fact, that they render their host mentally sterile yet eternally loyal. Very much so, like a virus, or some form of disease which spreads and conquers it's host in death. That Lie is God, and all promises of Gods.

Religions, governments, constitutions and all other institutions made by man; and every mortal framework, every philosophical theorem must be deliberately put under scrutiny. No moral dogma must be taken for granted. Never for a second should you let another man conquer your mind and rule for himself what and what you should not do. Some people in this word refuse to believe in the truth. The actual reality that is this world is hurtful to many, and thereby, they construct these idols and fantasies to delude themselves. Perhaps as a means to soothe themselves from the inherent hardships they face. Free men on the other hand never have to worry about such delusions, they face reality—with all it's hardships—head on. They conquer reality, they accept reality. They work with it. Because they understand that there is no other than itself.

It's why despite how... honestly edgy and sad this whole pasge is: I'm glad. I am okay with that part of reality, because I accept how glaringly bland and empty everything feels. It's just chemical processes, my Reason, my logic stands supreme above all irrationalities. That's been my saving grace so far honestly. And fuck every christian, every muslim who thinks otherwise, go fuck yourself and your barbarism.

It scares me. Ever since I got diagnosed with an incurable disease(which isn't that bad, I should be happy im relatively healthy), it's left me so terrified I have panic attacks to the point I can't focus. It pains me you know, partly, because I feel I could've done something to remedy that. It is almost the source of most of my problems. I can't tell you how silly I was honestly: I used to be afraid to go outside of fear of getting a sunburn because it would "age" me or cause any further decay. Hell, I think I even show it here. Yeah... It's not nice. I doubt it's delusional or irrational, it is rational and precisely why it has such an effect on me.

Look, I am not perfect either. No, I'm not, this is just some fucking blog I decided to make just to vent so that I don't have to vent to others or enforce people's problems. It's surfaced in my mind a few times that I might need "professional" help or whatever, or that I should go and dump my money that barely keeps me living on some idiot, who will tell me to tell him his problems: "I am hideous, I am horrible. I am unlikeable. I am fucking miserable that's what I am.." just for him to think "well buddy suck a dick and accept being a loser."

But I am not a fucking loser, I will not be. No, not anymore. I don't know, today I feel different. Like, who the fuck do you think you are to tell me who I am? I get to decide what to do with my life, and if I'm fine—I'm fucking fine. Perhaps even great, better than you. Better than all of you. I refuse to accept anything different, I can't. I honestly can't accept it. I want to try anything possible to postpone the inevitable. I'm scared of dying, of looking like dying.

Roughly around the age of 18 my hair started falling. I do have high testosterone, roughly around 960ng/dl, so it accelerated any plausible hair loss I might've had in the future. I started taking finasteride to remedy it but now? it's not enough apparently

A bit on biology: The Hayflick limit is directly tied to the process of aging because it hard codes a "maximum"; a ceiling on how many times the body's cells can divide. As cells hit this limit, they enter senescence or die, reducing the body’s ability to repair and regenerate tissues. Aging is non-linear, it takes a small amount of them to build up to reduce the production space of the body.

Over time, the accelerating accumulation of these “exhausted” cells leads to the gradual decline in organ function, slower wound healing, and increased vulnerability to disease that define aging. Therefore, the hayflick limit is directly correlated -- almost linearly in fact -- to the telomere length of our cells. There's evidence a tetrapeptide(Ala-Glu-Asp-Gly) can help with hTERT activation and bring increase one's telomeres by 33%, helping whatever cells where close to senescence, to continue replicating. Of course, this has massive implications on the body. On one hand, this means extended growth and replication ability. On the other hand, any cells that might be "pre-cancerous" -- meaning any cells that might not be fully cancerous would proliferate. Giving them -- artificially -- just the right push to grow into a tumor.

Indeed, glucose normally stimulates pancreatic β cells to release insulin, which allows glucose to enter cells and provide energy. With high carbohydrate and glucose intake, the pancreas increasingly secretes more insulin, which promotes the interaction of growth hormone receptors and growth hormones to produce insulin-like growth factor 1 (IGF-1) in the liver—promoting cell growth and proliferation, which can be detrimental to patients with cancer. When glucose is scarce, the body senses the need to make an alternative form of energy for cells. The liver then produces ketones and fatty acids, which provide for normal cells but do not benefit cancer cells. Cancer cells have dysfunctional mitochondria and possibly electron transport chain defects, which disrupt normal adenosine triphosphate (ATP) production from the mitochondria. The result is that the cancer cells become heavily dependent on ATP coming from the less efficient process of glycolysis

Deprivation of glucose signaling has been shown to slow cancer by inhibiting insulin/IGF and downstream intracellular signaling pathways, such as phosphoinositide 3-kinase (PI3K)/protein kinase B (Akt)/mammalian target of rapamycin (mTOR). I suppose that the only problem here might be the high LDL and HDL (which should be temporary for the dosing), but in other words you should push it back enough to lengthen the telomeres of each cell and allow for enhanced proliferation (in theory).

I'm desperate I'll admit, I've done a lot of research on this and it seems that by slowing down your metabolism you "preserve" at least some of your genetic by preventing a higher degree of what seems to be transcriptional noise. Think of it like a star, the more it burns the faster it produces entropy due to the fact it uses up more energy. Similarly so, a cell generates more entropy when it's mitochondria run more ATP cycles, or when more frequent proteins are created. Slowing this process down slows the rate of entropy.